Aqui Estoy, Here...

...I am... :-)

Life swept me away from this blog, not all for good, not all for bad, same rhythm as life always seems to have, yes?  Asi va, That's how it goes, and this year has been no different, so I try to take it with a grain of salt - the fact that the grain of salt now costs more than I make is a bit unsettling, but hey! I've been here before many (many) years ago, and hopefully we'll (my family) see ourselves out.

Works in Progress

My little shop had an upsurge due to great exposure in an Etsy mailing... just in time to find out I will once again be laid off, sigh.  Is that unseemly? Talking about finances?  Well, it's what is running around in my head at the moment, and it means I must hustle, hustle, hustle to find something else.  I have found comfort in the paint on my hands and arms, my palette when working on artwork, and there is satisfaction in gaining some momentum in this realm.

My writing has been coming along, edits, rewrites, and, for the upcoming book of verses, photographs need tweaking.

With all this looming overhead and in progress, it was easier being reduced to micro-posts on facebook.  But fb can't handle a good ramble, a long overdue ramble, with a few heavy-hearted sighs, wistful smiles, and a bellyful of determination.  What else is there, yes?  It's either that or giving up, a rather selfish act considering I have a family.

At 42, I didn't really think I'd be here again... you know, where first you give up little conveniences and it is no big deal - don't need baker's sugar at three times the cost, regular sugar I grind myself will do; less beef, too much isn't great for you anyway, right?  Dying my hair has really been overrated, and I've promised myself that I would soon go grey, why not now?  Then, of course, things become a bit tighter, and other sacrifices are made.

However, this is where the salt comes in - I'm not ALL THE WAY back to the beginning, and that is something to cheer and be grateful.  We still have wonderful, home cooked meals, I'm use to the creativity of working with less, and it's still a lot more than ever saw as a child, it's not as if we are going hungry.  Electricity, water, the roof over our heads, yes, still have that.  Two working cars (though God forbid anything should happen to them - it would be devastating to have to purchase another), actually, three since my daughter has her own.  My childhood torment of "nothing" is not here, and so I revel in what that little girl would still have considered luxuries undreamed of.

And so here I am.


En  la noche, At night when the darkness allows me to clearly hear the fears in my heart, I am shaken at the fact that I've closed out my last savings, that come June I'm beginning from scratch again in terms of income... but I didn't survive everything that I have to let that fear win out.  It almost did once, I admit it came close to covering me like a shroud, and I let it weaken me to a point where I didn't believe I would ever move, but that was a time in my life when it was just me--no child, no husband, my father had just passed away, and hunger, poverty and violence were still my guardians.

Peaceful Neighborhood, Tranquil available in my Etsy

I will not let fear of "what could happen" gain such a foothold.  Es de trabajando, I just need to work hard so that these setbacks gain no more ground.  No matter what that work might entail, yes?  There is no shame in earning an honest living, and no matter what the next "job" might be, it will not define me.    And it will not keep me from "creatively" making yummy meals, reveling in my daughter's accomplishments whose college and career are looking so bright, taking comfort in my husband's support, and enjoying splashes of paint and a string of beautiful words.

(((hugs))),
love,
me